"Imploding"

To collapse or cause to collapse violently inward.

That's what is happening to me these days when it comes to the situation with me and my son. And the suckiest (yes, that's a word) is that I can't blog about it. Vent about it in full...because I think he reads my blog. 

I have to pat myself on the back though,  for the past couple of weeks I haven't lost control, I haven't said certain things I've wanted to say to his dad. I have practiced patience. I have practice compassion. I have practiced understanding and I've left all the sarcastic, unkind remarks in my head.

I am still maintaining my boundaries, though. I feel better about myself. I feel like a stronger parent.

But with holding all that doesn't come without cost. It manifests itself in different ways. I have to figure out what to do when I am collapsing. Saturday, I ran 11.5 miles. It was amazing. I left a ton of negative energy out on the trail.  Today I went to church and heard the word there. Again, a healthy way to rid myself of the weights I am carrying right now.

We also have a counselor. She's a mother. She's had teenagers and I see in her eyes, the compassion for me. I also see her saying "Thank you LORD, that I am not in her shoes right now."

Last week she quoted part of a scriptures "we wait for the early and the late rains". I came home and looked up the scripture and here it is in full.

James 5:7

Therefore be patient, brethren, until the coming of the Lord. The farmer waits for the precious produce of the soil, being patient about it, until it gets the early and late rains.

Again, I am seeking health. Healthy mind, body and spirit. All this and the rains will come. It's going to be good.