One Last Night...

My babies have been gone all week.
I have napped everyday.
I have read until my hearts content.
I had a lunch date with a good friend yesterday, we had Sangria and wore cute clothes...and we were both without our kids.
My husband and I have had uninterrupted conversations.
I have made dinners with seafood and cream. YUM!
Tonight we are going out. Not sure where yet, but it's out...and that's enough for me.
Tomorrow we are going to this event... http://www.sactomofo.com/ I am food truck junkie.
I love opportunities like this. I am also ready for my babies to come home. I miss them.

But tonight I am going to wear these:

And get this guy all fancied up...(he's gonna hate that i posted this pic btw) 

but it's better than this one

and hit the town. It's going to be a good time. Have a great weekend! Happy Friday all!!

"He's Having A Good Time"

those gut wrenching words Alexander's dad said to me today. The only way I could respond was " I am sure he is, it's different." He is back on Facebook and his dad is trying to get him back on the soccer team I just removed him from. They joined a gym today. OH, and his dad said "I make sure he's been doing his homework, too" my response " He has star testing this week, he doesn't have much." bet you didn't know that, huh, A@#hole! OH...he's also making sure he is going to bed by 11 pm. Nice!

I know I need to stop being angry. I want my son back and I really have to check this anger and sarcasm. I feel like I was right in the middle of this marathon with him and someone cancelled the marathon. WTF?? I am NOT turning around now...YOU cannot take this from me.

It's so hard though, I have never been on this side. I don't know how to be this type of parent, so I can vent and pray...very very hard! and be patient and hopeful and TRUST. Trust that the past 15 years aren't being flushed down the toilet.

The Marathon...

This week, Richard and I do not have our kids. I haven't been as physically productive as I planned on, but, I think I am doing what I need to do. Which is resting. I have rested a lot in the past few days. I also made a yummy dinner for us last night. We also went grocery shopping together, which was fun since it's something we never get to do. I know, I am not hard to please. Any how, today I decided to catch up on some Oprah recordings...Wait...don't leave... trust me I know how cliche!  Anyhow, with Alexander leaving the other day I have been struggling. I have been questioning what should I do now, what could I have done differently. What kind of mother am I. Question after question is rolling through my head. I miss him a ton. So, I watched the episode when Chris Rock was on Oprah and she asked him how he would grade his parenting. He said " When it comes to parenting, you don't get a grade, it's the one job where you have to put 25 years in before you get your grade, parenthood is a journey, it's a marathon and you don't get points for doing half the marathon."

OK so even more cliche..I cried...but I cried because I felt hope. I need to hear those words in that way! What I am going through right now with Alexander does not sum up how well I parent. It's not the end. It's just a part of this journey, this marathon, and I will make it to the end...with him. I will give not give up on him. I have to work smarter NOT harder on reaching him. I have to figure out how to get through to his heart and figure out what he needs to feel safe and loved again. Because something is missing, and it's my job, as a parent, to figure that out.

**Happy Easter**

My little ones, my husband and I are off to the in-laws for Easter. We will return KIDLESS!! for a few days. I am so looking forward to having time to ourselves. I figure things out and to have some much needed down time.  My pastor called me today to fill me in on somethings at church. She asked how we were doing and I began to fill her in about my son. She reminded me of the walk that Jesus took this very weekend. She reminded me that I am strong although this must be difficult I will overcome and I must put my son in the hands of the lord and trust that he will guide my decisions and fill my sons heart and allow him to come back to me.

May all you be blessed this holiday weekend. May your homes be filled with joy and family.

Happy Easter


One of my favorite Easter passages.

Philippians 3:10-12 

¹⁰ I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, ¹¹ and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead.

¹² Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.

Drama King...

Today a hard decision has been made. My man-boy decided to leave, right in the middle of his chores. All of a sudden he was gone. I waited about 30 minutes and he didn't return. He had no cell phone, nothing. I called his dad and he began looking for him.

You see, he and I have had a difficult time lately. Lots power struggles, ridiculous arguments ones like "Quit arguing with me, Alexander" his response, "YOU, quit arguing with me, then I will quit!" Arguments that make me want to rip my hair out!! Sibling rivalry stepped up a few notches, too! There is just so much chaos.

So, today he chose to leave.Apparently he took the light rail to his dads neighborhood. At some point in the evening his dad called to let me know that he is with that side of the family. So, I told him that Alexander needs to come home. Take care of his responsibilities. He is not an adult and he does NOT get to choose when he can leave. I went to pick him up and he stood his defiant stance. CRAZY! Never saw THAT look on his face before. I didn't even recognize him. He was not my son. His dad did not support me and neither did his grandfather. I was in their territory and I had no one to support me. It was pointless, me being there.

I turned to Alexander and told him. I will not support him as long as he is treating me this way. I will not pay for soccer, will not buy him things he needs as long as he is able to get away with these things he's doing to me and our family. I turned to his dad and said " I hope your happy, he's yours for now. Congratulations!" and walked out.

Tonight, they made it OK for him to walk all over me. They made it OK for him to mistreat his sister. They made it OK for him to take advantage of me and disrespect me. I was fighting a losing battle. He has sucked so much of my energy from me. All month long it's been like this. I fought and fought and fought and tonight was just too much. We need more stability in our household for my little ones. They deserve stability. My son will be cared for at his dads, he will be fed and there will be boundaries although different (vastly different) from mine.

Yes, it was hard. I am guessing it will get harder. Who knows? Will he see the grass greener on the other side? Will he miss this family he is so accustomed to over here?? The structure?? Most would say, yes of course he will. But the look on his face tonight was unrecognizable, he was not my kid, not my boy...I know, I already said that but seriously...  This part of parenting sucks.

As for now, I have to regain control over my household, my sanity, my center, my faith.  Excuse me while I go pick out some nail polish.

A Sorry Update on "The Arraignment"

I am updating this post .

Today was much more difficult than I imagined. The toughest part is the fact that the attorney called us into an office as requested us to keep our testimony to ourselves from this point forward. For the sake of the trial. It's going to be a long, difficult road ahead. My heart is in my throat. I want to vent, I want to talk about it. I want to put it into words and describe today. But I can't. I won't jeopardize this. I know justice will be served. But it will be served with a great loss to all involved.
My heart is broken. I am aching, inside. My family suffers immensely. I miss Her. My Ashley, My sister, Our family. The way my life was.

Top 2 Tuesday...Things You Collect!

OK. So much lighter post than yesterday. Thankfully, Right??

Things I collect. Two loves of my life. One for outer beauty and one for inner beauty.

Inner Beauty. My beloved Tea Time. 

My tea collection:  there's loose tea, tea bags, decaf and caffeinated, herbal and fruity. I thoroughly enjoy this collection and I spend a lot of time in the tea section, if I ever come upon a good one at a store. 

Outer Beauty: MAC Cosmetics....ahhh....major addiction! I believe this keeps me from feeling 33 with 3 kids who often times run me ragged.  I love their recycling program because every now and then have 6 empties and then I get to go shopping for a free lipgloss and I always end up getting a few new bobbles for my giant make-up case. 

So fun, keeps me feeling young!

I'm linking up with The Undomestic Momma. 

Death is unfathomable

So, I've been thinking about this post for months now. It's just hard to put it in writing because it's so heavy and I don't want to bring everyone down, including myself.  I decided I would just say it, er, type it and link it.

My niece died on January 15, 2011. She was 20 years old. She went out one night and was the designated driver for the night. Upon returning home, she, for some reason left again with this guy she was seeing. He was drunk ( 2 times over the blood alcohol limit ) and he was speeding. He lost control of the SUV and slammed through a wood fence and a wrought iron fence. The car caught on fire with my niece inside. By the time she got herself out it was too late. She was on fire, the homeowners had to put her out with water from a garden hose.
The ambulance and fire department arrived quickly. On the way to the hospital they kept telling my niece that she was so brave and she's doing such a good job. Her last words were " Please, tell my mom that, OK?"

I received the phone call in the morning that she was in an accident. I prayed so hard while on my way to hospital. So hard that she would be alive. But that wasn't enough, because she was "alive" but she was not going to LIVE. They specifically said "her body is too broken for her to survive" She suffered from many, many internal injuries, her arm would have to be amputated and she had burns over %80 of her body.

I was the first one to the hospital, aside from my sister, Elena (her mother). I watched the chaplain speak to each and every one of my family member about the accident. I watched each of them fall apart. Lose Hope. Lose a part of themselves. I also felt us become one, leaning on each other. Being so vulnerable and taking care of  each other. We were a family. We still are a family. Just a different family. Not bad, but not great either. Closer, definitely.

My little family over here has changed a lot since this has happened. My circle of friends is much, much smaller. Which means less friends for my kids to play with and that's tough. But the few friends around me, we are very, very close and they are phenomenal and wise women who understand where I am in my head and my life. They are a blessing. Desiree, has a hard time too. She comes home sometimes, crying. I am sure it's from all the changes. We talk a lot though. I understand her. She's such an amazing young girl.

Mental note to myself: make things more normal!

I am depressed some of the days. The other days, I feel good and me and my kids go have fun and do things. I try to have more of those days than the other. My husband is questioning his faith. Which, I don't blame him at all. But it has caused some distance between us, because I have drawn closer to my faith. He is processing, but much slower than I. Being patient is hard.

The reason why I am posting this today is because, the driver of the car was arrested yesterday morning. He is going to be charged with 3 felonies. He is 19. His life is over also. The arraignment is tomorrow at 1:30. I am attending. I am terrified of this process. I am saddened for his family. Even for him. His father is in prison and his mother wasn't raising him. He is a lost child. Now, he is a part of the system. And, my niece is dead.

I resisted this post because I don't want to change the whole tone of my blog, but it is what we are going through right now and putting it off any longer will make me feel almost as if I am in denial because the impact is immeasurable.

Thank you for reading.

Here is a link to one of the news stories.

http://www.fox40.com/news/headlines/ktxl-family-struggles-to-cope-after-01162011,0,3437797.story

I give you Mexican. You give me Indian.

So I made a deal with the kids and my husband. I would make them any dinners they asked for so long as they can be made seasonal and organic. Also they need to allow me one or two "Meatless Mondays,or Tuesdays" a week (with NO complaining). Last week was our first week. All they asked for was tacos and burritos and Spanish rice. Alright, so they like Mexican food and luckily I can cook some GOOD Mexican food. I don't make meat that often because it becomes pretty pricey for a family of five. So last week that is what they ate. I bought the best corn tortillas, made beans, bought organic ground beef and all the fun things that go with them. I even fried the tortillas and sprinkled them with Parmesan cheese, like my mom use to. She did it WAY before Jimboys. She's and revolutionary woman, I tell ya. They are pretty damn good and next time I make them I will share the recipe. I was starving when I made mine last week, all prettied up. So, no time for a picture.

Anyhow, this was our dinner for "Meatless Monday" It tasted better than it looks (if your not a fan of beans or Indian food)

Chickpea Curry (inspired by this recipe)

Aside from the ingredients the recipe calls for I added a few things.

I roasted cauliflower and asparagus and served them on the side. (Winner, Winner by the way, the kids finished all of that!!)

Chicken broth instead of water

1 Chopped Tomato

I cut back on the Curry because the one I have it pretty spicy.

I dashed it with red pepper flake, too.  I know, total contradiction of the above statement...different types of heat. My kids love red pepper flake. Oh, and now Cholula Hot Sauce...but that's another post (one about condiment addictions).

Once served we topped it with plain yogurt (man-boy used sour cream) and I sprinkled mine with the Garam Masala. Which my husband bought for me a while ago and I have always wanted to use it. I also didn't use a slow cooker. I just let it simmer in the stove for 30 minutes and it was delicious.

Do you participate in Meatless Monday? I am always looking for more ideas.

Here's a pic!

Luckily I sleep with my phone next to my bed

Otherwise I would have missed this charming moment.

This morning would have been 7 days of Dominic sleeping in his own bed ...all night. And this past week has been lovely (in the sleeping area) but last night I fell weak to the "Mommy, can I Pllleeeeeaaaaaasseeeeeeeesssssseeeee cozy" and this is our Saturday morning scene (approx 6:30am)

The photo isn't so great, it was dark and I am tired!

I am not mad though, and I know tonight will be different. Besides...his feet are so cute!!

I'm linking up with Katie from Loves of Life for

If I could start today over...

I don't even know if I could do anything different. I am so frustrated. The whole house is in chaotic. I woke up this morning with a different idea of how my day would go.

Got up at 6 and attempted to make a full pot of coffee, I only have 3 scoops of beans left. OK...that's alright, we'll deal.

Made some French toast, before I could even sit down to eat, my husband and I get in an argument. I am not hungry anymore.

Then my man-boy decides he will just grab a piece and shove it in his mouth (after waking up a half hour late). Then he and I get in an argument in the car. In which, he decides to use the fact that because Richard and I argued this morning, that is why I am now arguing with him. So I have to basically tell him point by point all the reasons why I am upset with him. (oh and the beloved Flashback Friday mix at 7:30 that I look forward to, I missed it because I was arguing ....and they played Prince. Weep)

Talk about draining... I am drained. I need a break. I need a long weekend to myself. One I will not get right now. So I called my friend, right away she said "oh, no bad energy" that made me laugh. Love her!  So after 5 minutes of analyzing American Idol together, which by the way, I understand why Pia is gone. Beautiful girl, beautiful voice but her performances or lack thereof put me to s.l.e.e.p.

Anyhow, I unloaded on my friend and because we are each others "mirrors"  I do feel a better, but issues are still unresolved. I am currently awaiting a call from a MFT so Richard, Alexander and I can begin to work things out. You see the whole "blended family" scenario kinda sucks sometimes. So we have work to do.

I am Tahoe dreaming now...in a little over a month I will have some time to myself, by myself and some girl friends.  A weekend in which I will reflect back to today and be grateful that we are passed "this day" and already progressing into the future.

As far as immediate relief. A good friend and a coffee shop and some time at the park for Dominic are awaiting.

How do you immediately relieve stress? Do you have any fun plans for this weekend? Has your morning been good so far? Your week? OH and whose your favorite on American Idol contestant, I do realize from all the FB posts that my thoughts of Pia are not the consensus.  I'd love to hear from you...

Happy Friday! Have a fantastic weekend :)

Mom, I was fat

are words that make me cringe every time my son says that to me. Which is maybe about once a year or so. However, it came up last week. Alexander told me that his girlfriend was looking through my pictures on Facebook and apparently she ran across one I had posted of Alexander when he was overweight. He told me that it embarrassed him. She didn't say anything about it but he still felt bad about her seeing it. I explained to him that I wished he wouldn't feel that way anymore. I explained to him that we will have many different bodies throughout our lives and we need to appreciate each one of them and learn to accept and work with it. Of course, that is easier said than done.

I have always tried to educate my children about taking care of the inside of their body. I feed them good, wholesome food, that I also eat. I encourage physical sports, I run and work out. I try to lead by example. I also do not make comments about how their body looks. I am very conscious about not putting them in a box, and limiting them to a "type" of body. We discuss strengths and weakness and how to improve on those. But sometimes I feel as if it doesn't matter when it comes to this topic and Alexander. I feel that other people made it so difficult for me to take care of my son. His "whole" self.  It made me so angry how people would talk about how overweight he was. I never saw him that way. He was indeed overweight, but I felt it was just a phase. I didn't understand how others didn't feel the same way. We were doing all the right things. There were still comments from people "trying" to be helpful. Especially the doctors...OMG they would piss me off. So judged, I was...right in front of my son.

This time he brought it up, I explained to him a problem you once had doesn't always have to be a weakness but a strength that you can share with others. I also explained to him that even though he was once teased and judged by others, the reason people treat him different now is because he walks with his head higher now  and with more confidence than he did back then and THAT can only come only from the inside.

He seemed satisfied, and happy about those words of encouragement. I know he will need to hear those words again in the future and I'll be ready. But, right now,  I am feeling very thankful that he was able to turn to me, and I towards him.


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