Today, I took my kids to Dairy Queen. We came home and sat out back and played in our new fountain. Watered our garden and took care of our animals and I thought about my son. When we would go to D.Q. we would bring a treat back for our neighbors kids. They would play out front in their pajamas and eat treats and run around until dusk. They are older now,too, their daughter just graduated H.S.
Tonight, my daughter read me "The Giving Tree" while I braided her hair, that falls clear beyond her waist. She's already sunburned from her first swim party. I kissed her red shoulders and listened to her read about a boy who was growing up. I bought that book for him. Nearly ten years ago.
He left again last weekend. I found myself driving around looking for him and then I realized there is no reason I should be doing that. There is nothing I can do as long as he has a place to run to. I have to enforce boundaries, because no one else will in his life. So I came home. Packed up his room and put it in the garage. I haven't cried about it. I've certainly prayed about it, about what to do. I know he needs to grow up. Break away from his mother. He's becoming a man. Maybe not the man that I planned but a man nonetheless.
It hurts. He came by last night to pick up some books he needed to turn in to school. I would have dropped them off but they happened to be the books he threw at my feet just last weekend. So I had a little problem with that. He came and I remained on the couch, while he waited on the doorstep for my husband to get the books. My son came in and gave me a hug. It was nice. I was surprised he did that. I reciprocated, but didn't have anything to say.
I don't know where this road will lead. but I do know that I am so thankful I have the memories I have.I do know that he will be back. I know he loves me, I know a part of him feels regretful, too. Today, I am so thankful that I was able to read to him, to care for him, to play with him, to talk to him, to hold him close. Those memories are not to be taken for granted. I can only wish and pray for more, much more with my other little ones. One day I will be letting them go too. But today, we will read, and play and love and talk and answer a million and one questions. I am thankful today.
I'm sure your relationship is very complex with your son, but as his mother isn't it your job to love him and support him? You are the adult, it's your job to forgive even when you are mad, not hold a grudge. If I were him and when I came home my mom couldn't find it in herself to do more than sit on the couch I wouldn't feel very welcome in her house. I would guess he very much feels like an outsider in your house.
ReplyDeleteDear "Anonymous", Absolutely it's my job to forgive and support him. I have already done so and I still do support him. I wasn't mad at him, either. I returned the hug from my heart, with love. At a certain point in any relationship we find ourselves in, there may come a pivotal time where we find ourselves taken advantage of. This is where we are at right now. All of his actions are completely selfish, and while his other parent is an enabler I have to be the stronger parent and teach him that he cannot treat people that way and still feel that he is entitled to everything we have always offered him. If we was coming home to me, I would have responded differently, he was coming to pick up his books. Not to right his wrong doings. Also, if he does feel like an outsider, that is his own doing. We didn't make him leave, he chose that path. Thank you for your comment.
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