Good progress...

As you know we've gone to counseling with my son on a few occasions. I have been talking to him a bit more lately. He sounds as if he misses us. His tone is different, he's not so distant. In the last session Cathy (our counselor) explained to him that there is a law in the bible about honoring and respecting your mother and father. If you do so, you will have a good life. If you don't, you will have a challenged life. She explained to him that she see's evidence of it all the time through the ones that go to her for help. She asked him if he felt as if he's dishonored or disrespected us and he said "yes". She asked if he's able to take responsibility for his part in this situation. He asked how, and she said by apologizing. He said he wasn't ready to apologize and that he wanted to do it in private.

She explained to him that no matter what type of relationship we are in whether it be a co-worker, a boss, a friend or a spouse it is a very important ability to be able to acknowledge and take responsibility for his part of the situations in his life. She told him that that it would be wise of him to learn how to do this at a young age. She said he will have to do this many times in his adult life.

I think it's great that she focused on this subject. Apologizing with real acceptance of how you have hurt someone...not sugar coating or being fake or sarcastic or doing it to placate someone. How many times can you count where someone hasn't really apologized. I am at fault for it too. Trust me it came back at me. I have learned throughout my life how important it is to sincerely apologize, to dig deep and find what you've done wrong and validate someone's hurt heart. It's invaluable. To me, that is real love to be able to say I know I've done wrong...and I'm sorry for XYZ....your important to me and so are your feelings.

We have also told Alexander if he feels dishonored or disrespected to tell us. So we can talk about it and get through it together. He is a person just as we are and just because he is a still a child it does not mean that his feelings matter less. In fact they matter more, much more than ours.

We are getting together next week so we can have that private heart to heart. I have faith that it will go well and we can begin our new chapter with him again.

Much Love,
Tracy

5 Months...

Dear Ashley,

It was 5 months ago today that you were taken from us. There isn't a day that goes by where I don't think about you.

The way you use to imitate Giada DeLaurentiis, or Anjelah Johnson. Your love for food, good food. Your love for Audrey Hepburn.Your individual style.You worked hard.

You were a proud young lady. You were proud because you chose to be proud. You chose to be comfortable in your own skin. From day one, you didn't compromise yourself for anyone. You said what's on your mind, you did what you felt was right. Even though you didn't always choose the right path, you always made it right...you learned and that's living.

You lived, Ash. I am proud of you.

I see parts of you in my daughter and I can only pray that she continues to have the courage that you had. It's so cute when they have role call at school, her reply back is "Peace Out". I know you would think that is so funny, you were a "Peace" girl, too.

I know you have peace in your heart. I know you are with God.

Because of you I have more peace in my heart than I have ever had. Because of you, I understand that everyday is truly a gift and at anytime it could change. Well, it does change.

Today, I heard this song by "The Band Perry" over and over again. It's beautiful. It gives me a real good cry. We need those once in a while, right?

Here's to you Ashley. Auntie loves you.

Many, more "Todays" please...

Today, while sitting at a stop sign in my neighborhood, there was a boy on his bike. He was probably 8 or 9. He reminded me of my son at that age.

Today, I took my kids to Dairy Queen. We came home and sat out back and played in our new fountain. Watered our garden and took care of our animals and I thought about my son. When we would go to D.Q. we would bring a treat back for our neighbors kids. They would play out front in their pajamas and eat treats and run around until dusk. They are older now,too,  their daughter just graduated H.S.

Tonight, my daughter read me "The Giving Tree" while I braided her hair, that falls clear beyond her waist. She's already sunburned from her first swim party. I kissed her red shoulders and listened to her read about a boy who  was growing up. I bought that book for him. Nearly ten years ago.

He left again last weekend. I found myself driving around looking for him and then I realized there is no reason I should be doing that. There is nothing I can do as long as he has a place to run to. I have to enforce boundaries, because no one else will in his life. So I came home. Packed up his room and put it in the garage. I haven't cried about it. I've certainly prayed about it, about what to do. I know he needs to grow up. Break away from his mother. He's becoming a man. Maybe not the man that I planned but a man nonetheless.

It hurts. He came by last night to pick up some books he needed to turn in to school. I would have dropped them off but they happened to be the books he threw at my feet just last weekend. So I had a little problem with that. He came and I remained on the couch, while he waited on the doorstep for my husband to get the books. My son came in and gave me a hug. It was nice. I was surprised he did that. I reciprocated, but didn't have anything to say.

I don't know where this road will lead. but I do know that I am so thankful I have the memories I have.I do know that he will be back. I know he loves me, I know a part of him feels regretful, too. Today,  I am so thankful that I was able to read to him, to care for him, to play with him, to talk to him, to hold him close. Those memories are not to be taken for granted. I can only wish and pray for more, much more with my other little ones. One day I will be letting them go too. But today, we will read, and play and love and talk and answer a million and one questions. I am thankful today.

Another way to waste 5 minutes of your time on Youtube!

You've heard of Broke Ass Gourmet right? She's one of my favorite foodie peeps. Well today on FB she shared this video, to hilarious not to pass on to you.

Enjoy!

So You Think You Can Dance!

I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this show!!  I don't watch a lot of T.V. but there's a few shows I'm addicted to.
Glee...need I say more!! Glee and SYTYCD make me so happy. If you haven't seen these shows your are completely missing out. Watch it. You'll love them.

My friend is coming over tonight to watch it with me. She's a dancer. Well, actually she can do anything...she's one of those beautiful, multi-talented women who are so nice and thoughtful which makes it really easy to love and admire them. Anyhow, it's interesting watching this show with a dancer, she see's it differently than I do. I get emotionally attached to the routines and the dancers and Vanessa, she watches and says things like "Her dancing vocabulary is limited"...rewind...watch again...hmmm I get it, kinda :)

Her favorite dancer last season was Alex Wong, he was mine, too! Then he injured himself and he had to pull out of the competition. He is a Ballet dancer and this was our favorite performance from last season. Seriously it's only  2 minutes long. He's a BALLET dancer and he can do this performance... Enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TLtSfYX8tJk

XO

The Most Beautiful Sunset...

Craziness is the weather these days. There was a winter storm warning today for Tahoe, and a Tornado warning today in Natomas. It hailed, there was thunder...both of which I really love. Tonight, Richard, Desiree and I cozied up next to the fire and watched Julia & Julia. Desiree decided that we need to make lobster, very soon. I think it's a good idea. I made a curried stew, again...to my hearts delight....stew in June...it was lovely.

I started babysitting this week. The cutest, chubbiest 4 month old baby girl. She's freakin' adorable! I'll post pics soon. Committed through the summer...she's very easy. She's also a family member so that makes it easier.

Yesterday was our first counseling session with the man-boy. On a scale of 1-10 I give it an 8/9...no huge revelations but he spoke. He expressed his feelings and it was good. It's hard to see your children hurt. We are imperfect parents and our children pay. It's a huge responsibility...I still have a ton to learn.

This weekend is a "Walk Like Madd 5k" event. We are walking in honor of my niece. We have over 100 team members. I believe our team makes up over %50 of the registered walkers at the event. We have also surpassed our fundraising goal twice! Amazing...it will be an amazing day. I love my family.

This was the sunset last night. These are little things that bring me joy. I only wished I was on the trail running to fully embrace this moment.

Breathtaking! 

Inspiration to grow on...

"Let's tell the truth to people. When people ask, 'How are you?' have the nerve sometimes to answer truthfully. You must know, however, that people will start avaoiding you because, they, too, have knees that pain them and heads that hurt and they don't want to know about yours. But think of it this way: If people avoid you, you will have more time to meditate and do fine research on a cure for whatever truly afflicts you." 
— Maya Angelou (Letter to My Daughter)